FUNNY JUNK!

Kissing is a habit

F*cking is a game

Guys get all the pleasure

Girls get all the pain

The guy says i love you

You believe its true

But when your tummy starts to swell,

He says 'to hell with you'

10 minutes of pleasure

9 months in pain

3 days in hospital

A baby without a name

The baby is a bastard

The mother is a whore

This never wouldn't have happened

If the rubber wouldn't have torn

Speeding Woman

Never under-estimate a woman (especially behind a
steering wheel!)...

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your licence please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the boot if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and callsfor
back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle
the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half
drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps
out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered
the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the boot of your car, please.

The woman opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
to the officer. The officer snaps opens
the clutch purse and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
licence, that you stole this car,and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: I bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding,
too.

10 Ways to know you've had wild sex

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is
recorded in your area.

4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your
bed springs.

6 You've both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's
nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny
at the same time.

What A Woman/Man Really Means

What a woman says, what she really means...

I need = I want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...
I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
I was wrong = Not as wrong as you
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!

What a man says, what he really means...

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now?
You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before
Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look different!
I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go!

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.

GOOD * BAD * WORSE

Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser. Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism. Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting. Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your husband.

Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.

Good: The secretary said "yes." Bad: Your wife says "no."

Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually. Worse: He's gay.

Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: So did the postman.

Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get a three-day weekend. Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: You get tickets to the theatre. Bad: It's performance art.

Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising. Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas." Bad: For real.

Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right". Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill. Bad: She's eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your son's doing extra credit work. Bad: Making a sex ed video.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune. Bad: It's counterfeit.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video. Bad: Your daughter's the star.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them.